


The Fiercest Calm

by djshiva



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-03-14
Updated: 2009-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-03 06:50:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1067363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djshiva/pseuds/djshiva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Rafe wasn't a jerkface and Natalia figured stuff out before answering Frank's proposal?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was how I thought the story should have gone. Please don't hate me. This one was kinda orphaned, but I think it was left at a place where you know what's going to happen, at least.

"You want me to what?" Doris stared at Olivia Spencer, not sure whether to be incensed or just incredulous. Olivia's notoriety as someone who would do anything to get what she wanted was well documented, but the nature of her current arm-twisting was a bit unexpected.  
  
"I know you're  _only_  the mayor, but I am sure you can work some of your connections, right?" Olivia raised an eyebrow, in a look meant to challenge Doris' political ego and aspirations. "It's not like it's some capital offense..."  
  
"You can't help yourself, can you? It's not enough to just blackmail me; you have to get in a few digs as well."  
  
The edge of Olivia's lip curled in a barely perceptible half-grin. "And here I thought I was only appealing to your sense of fairness." Her grin widened slowly. "Or at the very least, your love of political chess maneuvering."  
  
A small chuckle escaped Doris' throat as she raised her glass to her lips and took a thoughtful sip. She swallowed, letting the whiskey take its slow-burn journey down as she contemplated Olivia's request. "Why do I get the feeling you could care less about my role in this, as long as it means you can get Rafe out of prison?"  
  
Acknowledging the point with a nod, Olivia looked her squarely in the eye. "Oh now, don't think I won't enjoy a little payback for that press conference," she replied, sipping her martini with a pause. She sat her glass down and her eyes followed. She sighed heavily. "But you are right. My main concern is getting Natalia's son back to her."  
  
Doris measured Olivia with silent regard. "Ah, so now we get to the crux of this, don't we? Natalia's son."  
  
Green eyes rose sharply with a frown. "She deserves to have her son back."  
  
"Oh, I am sure she does. But that's not the only reason for this little game, is it? Face it, selflessness has never been one of your more abundant attributes, Olivia."  
  
"She deserves a family." Olivia's voice dropped to almost a whisper. "She deserves  _her_  family."  
  
Something clicked in Doris' mind. With a burst of newfound clarity, she tilted her head to catch Olivia's eyes. " _Her_  family? I thought this was about _your_  family?" And there it was, plain as day. Another puzzle piece dropped into place as Doris slowly lowered her drink to the bar. "You really...you're not..."  
  
Olivia clenched her jaw, setting her drink down and making her move to leave. Doris grabbed her forearm gently, something softening in her steely eyes.   
  
"She doesn't know, does she?"  
  
The response was immediate. Jaw unclenching, Olivia's eyes brimmed with unshed tears. Once again, Doris had her question answered in the moment of silence.  
  
As Olivia turned back toward the bar, resting her face in her hands, the mayor considered her own reaction. She could be every bit as ruthless as Olivia, but she of all people also knew the conflict raging within the woman standing across from her. She had been there once too; that place of fear and insecurity as everything she knew of herself had been turned inside out. Memories drifted back in a gauzy haze as she considered her next words carefully.  
  
"When did you realize?"  
  
Olivia looked at her cautiously, her defenses weakened, but still possessing enough of her self to be suspicious. "This isn't Dr. Phil, and you are  _not_ my friend."  
  
Removing her hand from Olivia's arm, Doris reacted as if she had been slapped. She gathered herself, motioning to the bartender for another drink for each of them. Olivia started to shake her head, but the mayor stopped her with a raise of her hand.  
  
"No, Olivia, I am not. But right now you look like you could use a friend  _and_  a drink." The bartender slid their glasses in front of them as Doris turned to fully face Olivia. "And right now, I bet I am the only person you know in this town who has any idea how you are feeling." She drew herself up, inhaling as she did. "Look, you don't want to trust me, fine. But I can't think of a better arrangement, can you?" Her cynical chuckle was followed by a kinder smile. "We are both successful women with secrets to keep. You know mine, and now, I know yours. Seems to me we have a stalemate here. We don't have to be friends. Call it what you will. Right now I need something from you, and you need something from me. But more than that, you need someone to understand."  
  
Olivia shuffled her feet distractedly, reflecting on Doris' words. The mayor raised her glass as if to toast. "Call us captive confidantes, if you will."  
  
For a moment, they stood there, sizing each other up; neither one giving ground.  
  
It was Olivia who finally broke the deadlock, pulling up a barstool and sitting down. This was going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia and Natalia had not  _exactly_  been avoiding each other. The unseasonably warm temperatures had lightened the mood in the house considerably, at least enough to facilitate a reasonably cooperative household. Many things were just like they had always been: Olivia avoiding laundry and Natalia running around doing her best to lift everyone's mood and keep the house (and Olivia) running smoothly. It wasn't perfect, exactly, but it was functional.  
  
Yet despite the mood of early spring, the understanding of winter's still firm grasp had not eluded either woman. They smiled and joked, mostly for Emma's sake, and their own sanity. But there was an underlying tension, just shy of those smiles, that neither could deny to themselves. Natalia knew that there were many unanswered questions that she had to deal with, but she kept those in a locked place in her heart, because the alternative was to face them head on, and she needed the illusion of normality for at least a few days before it all came crashing down.  
  
 _Normality._  Natalia stifled a cynical snort as the word flitted across her mind. What she was struggling with was  _anything_  but normal. A proposal too soon from a man whose affect on her heart was somewhere in the range of brotherly, and the woman she should think of as a sister whose presence threatened to unravel her senses with desire. Even now, halfway across the kitchen, Natalia could smell the faintest traces of Olivia's perfume, and had to struggle to keep her legs from shaking and her heart rate normal.  
  
There was that word again.   
  
Natalia wasn't as naive as people sometimes thought. She had been poking fun at Olivia with her allusions to her "sweet, innocent face", but the truth of it swam up to meet her fears. She knew that the family she cared so much about was anything but normal in the eyes of anyone outside of it. She knew that in the eyes of the church, her less-than-innocent feelings for Olivia were not normal; to some, even an abomination. Natalia shuddered at the thought. She knew these things, but could not bring herself to consider her feelings anything but sacred. The fullness in her chest when Olivia crooked an eyebrow her way, or laughed at her own sometimes terrible jokes. The fierce protectiveness Olivia had for her daughter, and her insistent faith in Natalia's intelligence and abilities. Abominations? Hardly. A deep line furrowed Natalia's forehead in frustration at the thought.  
  
So why was she so scared?  
  
Frank had told her that he understood the depth of her faith, but he had no idea what that entailed. He was right that it was important, but Natalia almost shuddered at the insulting notion that he had any idea what it actually meant. God was her guide and her confidante, but she had never really considered him to be cruel; certainly not cruel enough to punish anyone for opening their heart and soul to another human being. Love was a gift from God, and she had not once believed in the idea that it could ever be wrong.   
  
She sighed softly. That didn't make it any easier to live amongst those who did. Natalia knew what the whispers and rumours and talk could do to a person. She knew it could rip families apart, destroy one's self-confidence, and most importantly, cause pain for the children who were caught in the undertow. She felt a twinge deep in her chest at the memories of her sixteen year old self, pregnant and scared, and the effect those whispers had all those years ago. Even superheroes have their weaknesses.  
  
And then there was the little matter of her carefully guarded heart.   
  
She had pined for Nicky...for Gus...for so long, and protected his son with everything she had, and never once had let herself be distracted from that all-encompassing love. She let no one in; not one other human being was given access to a soul kept under lock and key. She was so focused, and so unswerving in her mission, and it had all ended in loss. Gus was dead and Rafe was in jail and all she had to show for all her dedication and single-mindedness was her shattered heart.   
  
OK, that's not  _exactly_  true, she admitted silently to herself. Rafe may be in jail, but he is healthy and alive, and now I have a safe, warm home and a family for him to come home to, don't I? And no matter how hard this...no matter how confusing her feelings for Olivia were, there were no doubts about the commitment that both of them had made to each other and to their children.   
  
 _So what is stopping you from giving Frank an answer?_  
  
There it was. That voice inside her head that challenged her fears and insecurities, and spoke loudly when she wanted to hear it the least. Was it fear of what people would think? Was it a need for the storybook husband-and-wife tale? Or was it that she feared her heart could not survive spilling its truths to Olivia, only to be rejected? Or even...accepted.   
  
Caught up in her reverie, Natalia didn't even realize she had stopped in the middle of washing dishes, and was standing there up to her wrists in the quickly cooling soapy water. Olivia looked up from making a sandwich when she noticed that the clanking of dishes had ceased.  
  
"Penny for 'em?"  
  
Natalia looked up into Olivia's eyes, finding herself yet again mesmerized by the arch of an eyebrow and a tentatively inquisitive gaze. "Huh?" she answered absentmindedly.  
  
"Your thoughts. One shiny penny to know what you were just thinking about." Olivia rooted around in her pockets with both hands, only to find them empty. She smiled sheepishly. "Would you take a check?"  
  
Natalia shook her head and couldn't help but laugh. She was readying her response when her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. She quirked her head at the sound.  
  
"Are we expecting anyone?" Natalia knew that there was nothing on Olivia's schedule today, and unless they were having another impromptu pool night she had been expecting nothing but finishing the dishes and putting her feet up to watch some mindless television for the rest of the evening.   
  
"Not unless Frank got impatient."   
  
Natalia's head shot up with a frown. She stared at Olivia with a frustrated glare for a split-second, recognizing only the faintest edges of hurt underlying the sarcasm, then dropped her eyes and grabbed a towel. The knock sounded again as she moved to grab the doorknob. Before she could reach it, she heard a voice speak from the other side of the door.  
  
"Mom?"   
  
 _His_  voice.   
  
"Anyone home?"  
  
 _Rafe._  
  
Her hand an inch from the doorknob, Natalia stopped, frozen with shock at the sound of him. Olivia dropped her knife in the mayonnaise jar with a clink, and turned toward the door. Natalia hadn't moved. Walking toward her, Olivia placed a gentle hand on Natalia's shoulder, meeting her eyes with a supportive gaze. She sent every ounce of strength and hope she could muster through the connection there, as she took hold of the forgotten doorknob and swung the door open.  
  
Standing with a dufflebag in one hand, his other in the air readying for another knock, was Rafe.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Three Days Ago...**_  
  
"You, young man, have some very persistent people around you." Doris Wolfe tipped her head and stared at the nervous boy sitting across the grey table. She looked down and casually shuffled through the file folder sitting in front of her. "Fortunately for you, there is actually some merit to giving you some leeway. You can thank Jefferey O' Neill for that."  
  
Rafe shuffled his feet under the desk as he scratched the back of his head, a nervous tic he shared with his mother. "I...I don't know what to say."  
  
"You don't have to say anything. It's what you do that counts right now, Mr. Rivera." The mayor leaned forward and scrutinized him with a careful glare. "Conduct yourself carefully, and you are that much closer to getting out of here for good. Don't screw it up."  
  
Doris rose from her seat with an imperial air. Rafe moved to stand as well, but caught the movement of the guard from the corner of his eye, and suddenly thought better of it. Still, he couldn't stop himself from asking the obvious question.  
  
"Why now? My lawyer said there was nothing he could do."  
  
She picked up her briefcase, narrowing her eyes in consideration. "Olivia Spencer is a very convincing woman," she said simply, turning and motioning to the guard to open the cell door.   
  
Rafe stared after her, and remembering the times she had chastised him to silence, he laughed quietly to himself.   
  
"Yeah, she is."  
  
 _ **Today...**_  
  
Natalia stood there for a split second, convinced the sight that greeted her was a dream, and thanked God for Olivia's hand on her shoulder. She wasn't sure her own legs could keep her upright without the strength Olivia gave her with that simple gesture. But when Rafe cracked a smile, his father's image in his face, Natalia shook herself out of her state of shock and took two steps forward, wrapping her arms tightly around him. She couldn't stop saying his name.  
  
"Raphael...my Raphael...you are here!" First a shout, then a whisper and then it was just Natalia and her son, quietly grasping each other.  
  
Olivia stepped back from the doorway, giving them space, as she wiped the tears from her eyes that had formed upon Natalia's exclamations of joy. Hearing her voice, filled with such happiness and love, was an epiphany; her heart climbed in its cage and settled somewhere in her throat. When Natalia released her son, putting an arm around his shoulders to guide him inside, she looked up with a smile so wide Olivia thought her heart might actually burst.   
  
 _This is love. All of it. The whole kit and caboodle.  
  
I am done for._  
  
Olivia stepped back further into the kitchen to let them in. She had been so lost in the emotions and thoughts swirling inside her head, she only then began to notice that Natalia was babbling excitedly. She couldn't help but laugh, at Natalia, at her elation, at the joy of it all.   
  
The ecstatic woman led Rafe to the kitchen table as Olivia stepped forward and offered a hand to take his duffel bag. "Welcome home, Rafe," she said with a welcoming grin. Placing the bag aside, she motioned toward Natalia with a nod as her grin turned teasing. "You might wanna get her to sit down, too. I think she might just faint from all the excitement."   
  
Brown eyes looked up and returned her teasing. "If I did, you'd probably just step over me to get to the cookies."   
  
Rafe looked back and forth between the women and just smiled, shaking his head in amusement. All three settled into their chairs as a room already filled with love was now filled with laughter. Curiosity took its place as Natalia grasped her son's hands in her own. "How?" It was all she could say as the depths of her eyes spilled forth with tears.  
  
"They moved up my review date," he shrugged. "When I showed up for review, they told me I had points for good behavior, so they were setting me up on work release." He slid his hands from Natalia's grasp and looked at the tabletop as he began to fidget. His mother ducked her head to gain his attention, locking onto him with a wary stare.  
  
"Work release? So this isn't...it's not permanent." It was a statement, not a question. The air in the room began to thicken as the realization sank in.   
  
Olivia couldn't stand to watch her lose her newly found hope. "Natalia, this is great! If they would let him out for work release, that means they trust him enough to do it, right?" She turned toward Rafe, the question implicit in her eyes. Rafe nodded emphatically.  
  
"Right! If I do it right...stay out of trouble, do my work and report back at my scheduled time, they said I could be released for good in six months." He slowly reached for Natalia's shaking hands, taking them lovingly in his own. "Mom, I won't mess this up, I promise."   
  
Natalia looked at him, sadness underpinning her gaze, but slowly the faintest hint of dimples shone on her cheeks as a smile crept across her face. She sighed, composing herself once more and leaning up from her chair to plant a kiss on his forehead. "I love you, Rafe. I believe in you and I know you will work hard. All that matters is that you are here now." She looked up from her son with such pride on her face, as Olivia sat back in her chair to take in mother and son in this moment. Suddenly, she remembered her manners, getting up from her chair and heading toward the refrigerator. Opening the door, she motioned into it.  
  
"I'm sorry Rafe, do you want anything to drink? Maybe a turkey sandwich? Or we could put your mom to work baking something. You know how she loves baking cookies." Olivia winked at Natalia, who stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes in response. Rafe sat with an inscrutable grin on his face as he watched his mother and Olivia teasing each other. His eyebrows dipped inquisitively as he found himself charmed by their playfulness. Something had changed in both of them, he just couldn't quite put his finger on it.   
  
"Maybe some coffee? I would give anything for a decent cup of coffee after choking down that sludge they serve in the prison cafeteria." The thought of a rich cup of dark brew made him salivate, as Olivia picked up a bag of beans and shook it.   
  
"Your barista recommends the French Roast. Would you like room for cream?" Rafe nodded his head with a chuckle, again struck by the sense of ease and comfort Olivia was displaying. This wasn't the Olivia he had expected, cold and proper and very intimidating; instead she was thoughtful and informal and fun. He turned to his mother to ask what she had done with the real Olivia Spencer, when a thoughtful look crossed her face and she turned to him, speaking in measured tones.  
  
"Your review wasn't supposed to be for a few months. Why did they move it up?" Her joy at Rafe's homecoming suddenly tempered by her remembrance of Frank's words; that he would get Rafe out of prison so she could walk down the aisle with her son. She remembered the twinge of...what?  _Manipulation._  The word popped into her head unbidden, her happiness sinking into the reality that she still had not given Frank an answer, and now she felt as if she was being pushed. Pushed by Frank's misguided attempt to win her love, instead of...  
  
 _Instead of being pulled into the depths of her._  
  
Knocked out of her burgeoning anger at Frank, and sinking into thoughts of Olivia, Natalia shook her head gently to clear it. Looking back up at Rafe expectantly, she prodded him again. "Why did they move up your review?"  
  
Rafe's eyes looked up and met Olivia's as she stopped suddenly in the midst of her coffee preparation. She hadn't been sure if her power play on Doris had actually been the catalyst for all of this until she saw it in his eyes: gratitude. Panic rose in her throat as she knitted her eyebrows and gave him an almost imperceptible shake of her head. Though confused by her unwillingness to take credit for his release, Rafe caught her message loud and clear. "I...I'm not sure." He looked down, dissembling as Natalia looked up at Olivia and then back at Rafe.  
  
"You don't know? They didn't tell you who...why they moved the review date?" Natalia felt horrible for thinking it, but right now the last person she wanted to be indebted to was Frank. His earnestness would be adorable from a brother, but from a suitor, it was...tedious.  _I really have been around Olivia too long. I am turning into a snob._  Her joking inner dialogue fell flat, as her mounting suspicion overcame it.   
  
Natalia's contemplation was interrupted by a joyous squeal from the hallway. "Rafe!!!" Emma ran into the kitchen, breezing past her mother, as Rafe stood to greet her. Her momentum threatened to bowl him over as she jumped at him in a suffocating hug like only children can manage. "You're home!"  
  
Rafe swept her up with a huge smile, putting his forehead to hers and saying softly, "Hi."   
  
Olivia took it all in. There they were. A family. Together, with a few hitches, but together.   
  
 _So THIS is happy._  
  
Once again wiping her eyes, she realized only one thing could make this better.  
  
"Who's up for ice cream sundaes?"   
  
And as the room erupted with shouts of jubilation, Olivia's eyes searched for Natalia's. Hazel met brown, both shrouded in tears, as they stood gazing at each other for just a moment, until both of them burst into grins and turned to join their children in celebrating ice cream, and family, and home.


	4. Chapter 4

Rafe Rivera sat back in his chair at the ice cream parlor, watching everyone digging into their sundaes, and finding himself overwhelmed. He had been stuck in that tiny cell for months; grey, noise and cold, the hallmarks of his daily existence. He knew that right now his mother was cautiously happy, but it was good enough for him, just seeing that beautiful smile on her face again. He had thought long and hard, all those nights laying on the hard bunk of his cell, surrounded by the stench of sweat and the random sounds of the other inmates. He had been so mad at the world back then, willing to throw it all away for a twisted vision of keeping his father's name unsullied.   
  
It had taken some time, but he had finally grasped the fact that his methods were hotheaded and even selfish. Once upon a time he had thought his actions noble, but that was until he heard his mother's voice break at his sentencing, and saw the sorrow written in new lines on her face each time she came to visit. He could see it in her eyes, her need to touch him, to hold him, but kept apart by the watchful eyes of the prison guards. He would rather not admit it to her, but it killed him, too. His mother had always been his world, and it took being forcefully separated from her by concrete and bars for him to truly understand that to put his own life at risk, was to destroy hers. He knew she forgave him for his youthful stupidity, but he still felt the weight of guilt on his heart, and hoped that he was strong enough to truly earn the faith she had in him. Not because he was her son, but because he was a good man.   
  
"You sure you can't have just a taste? I feel so bad." Olivia motioned to her sundae, chastising herself for forgetting Rafe's diabetes and suggesting ice cream to celebrate.   
  
"Hey, I have watched people eat ice cream in front of me for years. And if I even thought about eating any of that, I think mom might kill me. Or you."   
  
"Oh, it wouldn't be the first time she wanted to kill me, I'm sure." Olivia shot a sideways smile at his mom, as Natalia affirmed the truth of that statement with a short nod and a dimpled smile.  
  
Rafe was still taken aback at seeing this new side of Olivia, almost as much as he was surprised at the casual ease and obvious care that she and his mother exhibited toward each other. The Olivia he had known was intense, a bit scary, and sometimes a little crazy. It was difficult for Rafe to reconcile the woman seated in the booth across from him with the Olivia that had played such a part in attempting to wreck his parents' relationship. He could barely believe the air of trust that surrounded the two women. Their rapport was obvious; warm and trusting, sometimes playful. Something had shifted between them, and although he couldn't quite understand it, he realized that the smiles on his mother's face were not only because of him.   
  
Olivia wrapped her arms protectively around her ice cream. "I will make the sacrifice of eating this entire banana split if it means saving your life," she deadpanned. Olivia snickered and dug into her ice cream with vigor. A raised eyebrow and another smile aimed at his mother brought forth a shy giggle and a glint in her eyes that cast a youthful glow across her face. And there was something else. Some flash of emotion he couldn't read that piqued his curiosity. Rafe couldn't quite discern when he had seen her look that young and happy. He sighed to himself, content to just accept her joy and take things one step at a time. Right now wasn't the time to psychoanalyze his own mother. He had so very little time with her; he planned on enjoying it.   
  
He looked up to see the expression on his mother's face change in an instant as she regarded him quickly saddening eyes. "So I know I should be happy to have you three days out of the week, but I...I can't help but want more."   
  
The mood at the table was pulled down by gravity. He grasped at the fleeting edges of the previous joy.   
 _  
No, Mom. I will not let you wallow in guilt. Not this time._  
  
"Me too. But it's a really great deal. Three days away from that place every week, I get to hang out with you, and I will be working. They are setting me up to do clerical work at City Hall." Rafe laughed sarcastically. "I think they just want me close so they can keep an eye on me."   
  
"Well, at least they aren't making you wear one of those fetching ankle bracelets." Rafe glanced over at Olivia as she catered to his obvious need for levity.  
  
"Yeah, I still have to call in from a land-line and check in after work, but it feels so good to be out of that cell. I think I can manage."  
  
Happiness returned to Natalia's eyes, and Rafe felt his body relax. He hadn't even realized how much it affected him to see her bearing the weight of his mistakes.   
  
"And if this works out--"  
  
"WHEN--" His mother corrected him forcefully.  
  
"WHEN this works out, OK mom?" Rafe teased her lightly. "Then it's only a few months until I am out permanently. I will still have to report to a probation officer, but that's easy. Everyone knows each other around here anyway, so it's not like I can get away with NOT doing it." He looked around the small ice cream parlor. "Speaking of which, why did we come here? I thought we would end up at Company."  
  
Olivia looked up from smearing ice cream on a giggling Emma's nose, as his mother's eyes shot up at him in alarm. Her sudden discomfort was not lost on Rafe, but he said nothing and waited for a response. After several moments of uncomfortable silence, Olivia finally spoke, saving Natalia the explanation she instinctively knew was best saved for another time.  
  
"Your mother and I figured we would save you from multiple explanations of why you are here to each and every person who would inevitably stop at the table and ask. Small town, yanno?"  
  
Natalia looked thankfully at Olivia as she recovered from the question. "Besides, I want you all to myself for today, at least. That OK?" She looked down, all eyelashes and guilt for simultaneously wanting to monopolize her son's time and for avoiding the one person she didn't want to see on this joyous day. She mentally berated herself for being so selfish; for dodging Frank on a day she should feel grateful to him. But she still couldn't shake the pervasive feeling of dread the thought of seeing him evoked in her. She knew that Frank wanted to help her get Rafe out of prison. But somewhere in her there was a growing realization that you don't do something for someone because you think that's what they want; you do it because you want to. She shivered, as a memory betrayed her emotions again.   
  
 _Someone who fights for me because they want to...just because they want to._  
  
Olivia's words swam up from her thoughts. Words spoken through winter breath on the porch that night; the night that should not have ended the way it did. Frank on bended knee as her stomach dropped in fear, feeling Olivia's eyes on her from the farmhouse window...the later kitchen conversation that went...well...horribly wrong.   
  
Natalia shook the image from her head. Suddenly panicked and needing air, she tucked down the emotion as best she could. Distracting herself, she picked up a straw wrapper from the table, tossing it lightly at Emma. "I feel like playing on the playground! How about you?" Emma nodded emphatically, throwing the balled up wrapper right back with a devilish chuckle.   
  
"Will you go on the teeter-totter with me, Natalia?" Emma's childlike joy lightened the load on Natalia's heart. She took the little girl's hand as they each slid from the booth.  
  
"I wouldn't miss it!" She looked from Olivia to Rafe and back again. "Can we go play?"   
  
Olivia's head swam with the vision of her family, almost brought to tears by the beauty of Natalia and her daughter standing together, anticipating swings and slides and teeter-totters. Once, she would have considered this mundane. She hadn't known what she was missing. "Just don't get too dirty. Otherwise I might have to do laundry."  
  
Natalia rolled her eyes. "Mmmhmm, like that'll ever happen." Flashing a dazzling smile at Olivia and Rafe, she turned to catch up with Emma, who had broken free from her grip and was already halfway out the parlor door.   
  
Olivia turned amused green eyes toward Rafe and smiled, acknowledging the truth of the last statement with a wink. Rafe was silent for a moment.  
  
Catching the words lying beneath the silence, Olivia looked at him, inviting him to speak whatever he was thinking.  
  
"You...this...this is not what I expected."   
  
"Trust me, it's  _definitely_  not what I expected." Olivia prodded at the remains of her sundae as the conversation dwindled to silence.  
  
"She should hate you, you know."  _Well there, that was said._  Rafe watched Olivia for a reaction and was surprised as her head sunk.  
  
"I know. She would have every right to. Sometimes I am still surprised that she doesn't."   
  
"You really messed things up for her." Again he waited.  
  
"Yeah. I did." Olivia's voice dropped almost to a whisper.  
  
Rafe's eyes softened, as he released Olivia from his intense gaze, turning his head away shamefully. "So did I."  
  
Olivia looked up, surprised at this turn of the conversation. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting him to say, and was deathly terrified that the wounds ran so deep that she and Rafe could not bridge them. He swallowed and turned back to face her.  
  
"But I guess you know how forgiving my mother is, and how big her heart is."  
  
Olivia smiled sadly. "Yeah. Yeah, I do." She braced herself with a set of her shoulders, making the decision to lay herself bare to Rafe's anger. He had every right to be angry, too and there was no other way to get through this other than honesty. "For what it's worth, Rafe...I know what I did. To your mother, to your dad..." She swallowed heavily. "To you. I know I stuck myself in and wreaked havoc on your family, and I can't express how sorry I am for that." Rafe watched her admission silently. "It's not an excuse, but...I was..."  
  
"Dying." Rafe finished the sentence for her.   
  
"Yeah. And I was so desperate and scared and I just...I didn't want to die alone. And I grasped onto what I thought was love, and took a lot of people down with me. There is no apology that covers that, especially after..." She didn't have to say it. "And when I got a second chance, I was so angry with myself that it took your father's death for me to live. I gave up." Olivia's eyes darkened with the memory. "Natalia...she wouldn't let me give up. She fought me every step of the way, willing me to live." She paused, clearing her throat of the sadness that had lodged there. "She has fought me every step since then, and I have fought her too, and somewhere along the way, whether I deserved it or not, I realized she was fighting  _for_  me. Not against me." She turned to look at Rafe, rolling her eyes with a smile. "She's a force of nature, your mother. I can't get rid of her." Quietly this time. "I wouldn't want to."  
  
Rafe let Olivia's emotional confession sink in quietly. He had never seen her as vulnerable as she was at this moment. She had opened herself up to whatever reaction he could have, good or bad, and done so willingly. He could see now the depth of influence his mother had on the woman in front of him, and from all he had observed in just this one evening, it was obvious the influence went both ways.   
  
"So why don't you want her to know it was you who got me released?" Olivia swung her eyes to meet his, and sighed.   
  
"She just...she can't know. She doesn't take so kindly to my meddling sometimes." Olivia hadn't forgotten Natalia's reaction to how her lost hedge fund money had gotten back to her. "You know how damned independent Natalia is. And how stubborn." There was a brief pause before they nodded their heads simultaneously and chorused their agreement.   
  
"I know she can be stubborn, but..."  
  
Olivia peered off into space, turning back to meet the young man's brown eyes. "I don't want her gratitude, Rafe. I just want her to be happy."   
  
Rafe contemplated Olivia's words and the look on her face, and decided he had the answers he needed to his questions. All of them. He leaned back in the booth, raised his thick eyebrows quizzically, and abruptly changed the subject. "Sooo...a farmhouse, huh, Olivia?"  
  
The laughter swelled up from beneath the intense whirlwind of emotions threatening to drown her since the start of the conversation. "Who'da thunk it, right?" She leaned back as well, relaxing into the easier subject matter. "I wouldn't have thought it could work, but it does. Somehow. And Emma loves it. She loves the open space and the barn and feeding the ducks." She remembered Natalia's gentle teasing. "I have to admit, I love the ducks."  
  
Rafe leaned forward. "And my mother?"  
  
"Yeah, your mom loves the ducks, too."  
  
Gazing intently into green eyes, Rafe shook his head and spoke softly.   
  
"That's not what I meant, Olivia."


	5. Chapter 5

"That's not what I meant, Olivia."  
  
Olivia felt the blood rise to her face, her skin prickling with fear; caged animal eyes screaming to run. She cast a nervous glance toward Rafe, his brown eyes shining intensely. Swallowing the lump that had risen to her throat, she collected herself, squaring her shoulders and finally looking him dead on.  
  
"What exactly  _do_  you mean,  _Raphael_?" She was terrified, but if there was one thing Olivia Spencer knew how to do, it was put up a fight when she was cornered.  
  
Rafe studied her face carefully. If there was anything he had learned in prison, it was how to read people. Sometimes your life could depend on it. He saw clearly the turmoil roiling behind clear green eyes belying the intractable set of her jaw, and he pointedly leaned back in the booth to give her space. When Rafe raised his eyes to hers again, blowing out a breath of air to release the tension in his own body, she saw nothing but kindness.   
  
 _He has his mother's eyes._  
  
The realization wrapped her fear in a blanket of calm as she opened her mouth to speak again, but the words caught in her throat. She looked for all the world like a fish out of water. It was one thing to speak of it, this...whatever it was...to Bill, or whomever fell victim to her random inner dialogue turned outward processing. But this...this was too close. Too close to Natalia. Her courage crumbled as her hands began to shake.   
  
Rafe watched the parade of emotions marching its song across Olivia's face. He reached out and took her trembling hands in his own, suddenly feeling protective of her fragile state. He knew in that moment what she needed to hear most.  
  
"It's OK, Olivia." Squeezing her hands gently, he decided the direct approach was the only way to get to the crux of the conversation. "You love her, don't you?"  
  
Olivia's eyelids closed slowly, shuttering Rafe from the truth within their depths. She sighed heavily, but the shaking of her hands tapered off as she prepared to leap. There was no hiding this. She opened her eyes and shone the full weight of her feelings upon Rafe's questioning gaze.  
  
"Yes." It was as if a dam broke inside of her heart, as her tongue loosened and her words became a stream unleashed. "I don't know how...it was just so...I mean, one minute it was nothing and the next I...she just..." A sharp intake of breath righted her senses momentarily as her coherence returned. "I didn't see it coming. But it did. And I do. And I have no idea what that means, or what to do now."   
  
"Have you told her?"  
  
"I...can't." The fear returned like a swift kick to her stomach until sarcasm replaced the pain in her gut. "I am pretty sure at least a few of her saints would have a tizzy over that." Shocked to hear the seemingly insensitive words escape her lips, her head shot up with a look of horror. She spoke with a grimace. "Dammit. Rafe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so insulting."  
  
Rafe surprised her with a hearty laugh. "Geez, she really  _has_  rubbed off on you hasn't she?" Olivia just sat there, partially mortified, partially confused. Rafe calmed himself long enough to reply. "Mom can certainly be a bit...old school, I know. Relax, Olivia. I'm aware it's the 21st century. I promise not to burn you at the stake or whatever." A brick in Olivia's defensive wall fell, as she found herself smiling at Rafe. His laughter reduced to an intermittent chuckle, Rafe shook his head amusedly.  
  
"Old school. Yeah. You could say that." Her mood shifted again as she contemplated once again the reality of Natalia's faith and what that could mean.  _For me. For us._  She didn't understand the mechanisms, the whys and what-fors, but she had certainly had enough time to think about the significance. Rafe saw her lapse into introspection, a far off look on her face, and waved a hand in front of her to capture her attention once more.  
  
"Olivia, don't think so hard into it. I know a little bit about how Mom thinks." He paused to consider his words. "Her faith means everything to her; God is her friend, her guide. He's mine too, so I think I can speak to this with at least some authority. I don't know how I would have survived those months in jail without him." His gaze drifted for a moment, caught up in memory and thankful for the grace that allowed him each precious moment outside of his cell. Olivia turned away to give him a moment of privacy with his thoughts. Finally, he turned to her again. "Growing up, she taught me that God is never cruel, and that sometimes people get his words all twisted up and turn them into something that serves their interests. Religion can get a bit...weird. Faith is something entirely different." He absentmindedly rubbed his chin as he continued. "Mom just wants to do the right thing. You know that. And sometimes she's maddening in her focus." Olivia nodded emphatically. She knew that focus very well. "She wants to be as good a person as she can be, Olivia. And to her, that means being true to herself and to God. Sometimes, she has to work her way through it to find out where those two things meet in the middle. And trust me when I say that she knows sometimes the rules of the church have little to do with the God she knows." Rafe's brown eyes rose to meet Olivia's. "Ask her someday how the church treated her when she was pregnant with me. She has gone against doctrine before, because somewhere she knows God's plans would never be to ask her to forsake her own heart."  
  
Olivia's brow furrowed as she thought back to the conversation in the kitchen, that terrible night after Frank's proposal. Somewhere between Natalia's emotional utterances of that evening, and Rafe's words from a moment ago, something important danced around the edges of her understanding. She tried to grasp it, but in her flustered state, it slipped from her fingers. She left it alone, hoping it would come to her later if she tried not to over think it.   
  
"Mom is faithful, but she's not a saint, Olivia."  
  
With a sigh, Olivia drifted back into her own memories. She looked up at him with a wistful smile. "Sometimes she does have the patience of one, though, I have to admit. I don't know that anyone else could have put up with me as long as she has." She absentmindedly rubbed the scar on her chest as a year of mental photographs flashed across her mind's eye.   
  
Rafe couldn't help himself. "Yeah, I don't know how she did it either." Olivia looked up at him, her insulted retort falling short on her lips as she recognized a devilish gleam in his eye and a teasing grin on his face. She scrunched up her face and half stuck out her tongue in response. The young man with Natalia's eyes regarded her with quiet repose. "You really have changed a lot. I could see it when you came to visit me with Mom in the last few months, but now..." A pensive pause as he collected his thoughts. "She's changed too. She smiles a lot more. I like seeing her smile, Olivia."   
  
 _Me too. You have no idea just how much._  
  
He cast a reflective look over his shoulder toward the door his mother and Emma had exited. "Seeing you here, with Mom, with Emma..." He paused, almost embarrassed. "Being in love suits you."  
  
 _In love. I haven't even said that to myself.  
  
Damn you, Rafe._  
  
Olivia's eyes filled with tears and her cheeks flushed as she tried to look anywhere but at Rafe. Silence hung heavy between them as she struggled to find words. She laughed nervously as what was meant to be sarcasm just came out as sadness. "You're more perceptive than your mother."  
  
"I think you underestimate my mother."  
  
And there it was. The thing hovering around the edges of her perception from a moment ago. Past connected with present; the impact like a punch to her chest.   
  
 _"Maybe God has someone for me and it's just...not who I expected."_  
  
She was still mentally connecting the dots when the bell above the ice cream parlor door chimed, and Emma came running red-faced to the booth, Natalia a few steps behind. Rafe's hand gave hers another kind squeeze as if to punctuate the conversation.   
  
The dark-haired woman stepped in front of the booth, still breathing heavily from chasing after Emma. She felt the change in the dynamic between Rafe and Olivia, knowing something important had passed between them in her brief absence. A mixture of curiosity and love washed over her at the sight of them. Her son. Her Rafe and her...  
  
Natalia's thoughts were cut short by Emma's exuberant interjection. "Can I show Rafe the cows and the ducks and the barn, Mommy?" She looked back and forth between the two women.   
  
"Of course you can." They spoke in synchronicity, quickly averted glances following shy smiles as Emma jumped into the booth and snuggled up to Rafe, rattling off a list of her favorite playground toys.   
  
Rafe, casting sidelong glances between his mom and Olivia, could only shake his head and sigh.


	6. Chapter 6

It was the smell of coffee that finally roused Olivia from sleep. What couldn't be accomplished by the clanging music emanating from her alarm clock after hitting the snooze button repeatedly, was done by the rich, dark smell of slowly brewing coffee as it wafted upstairs. She begrudgingly opened her eyes and lay there momentarily, letting the scent infuse her senses as the picture came unbidden into her head. Natalia grinding the beans, then pouring the grounds into a measuring cup, tapping the cup with her finger to even out the small mound of freshly ground roast. She was so precise in her preparations. Emptying the cup into the filter and hitting the button, then waiting a moment before she leaned over and peered closely to make sure it was brewing. Olivia had seen her ritual on the few mornings she had managed to wake early enough to catch them, and it was always the same. Done lovingly, with the same sense of care and importance Natalia gave all of her kitchen endeavors.  
  
Olivia cracked a smile. It's not that she didn't know how to make a good cup of coffee, or a gourmet meal; she was well-versed in both. It was just that she loved to watch Natalia as she prepared a meal, baked cookies or made coffee. Natalia did all of those things with an an appreciation for the process and an air of joy. Olivia chided herself gently for ever wondering why baking cookies was better than buying them. After being in the kitchen with Natalia, she knew.   
  
Her smile faded into a much deeper emotion when she thought of the look on Natalia's face when she sat the cup of coffee on the table in front of Olivia, giving her a gentle look and a quick smile, and waited for Olivia to take her first sip before bidding her good morning. That meant more to her than the coffee itself ever could. With her health in a steady upswing, it wasn't as if Natalia really had to take care of her anymore. The only explanation was that she just...wanted to. Olivia found it difficult to believe that what had started out so adversarial had turned so gentle and warm and...  
  
 _Loving.  
  
Dammit, I'm doing it again. _  
  
She shook herself out of her reverie, sliding out of bed and looking for her favorite blue silk robe. Her mood turned contemplative as the excitement of the last day fell away and the thing that had been pushed to the back of her mind hit with full force.  
 _  
She still hasn't answered him._  
  
She sat back down on the bed with a heavy sigh. It wasn't that she had forgotten it; more that she had done her best to ignore it since Rafe had come home.  
 _  
Whose home did he come back to?_  
  
She could barely stomach the thought of leaving the farmhouse; of taking Emma away from the home she so loved. Olivia had finally allowed herself to think of this place as her home too, and now, with just a few words, it could all be ripped out from under her. Her home, her family, her future, her heart; all rested upon a simple yes or no. She wiped at her eyes as the full weight of it all descended upon her.   
  
Her thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock on her bedroom door. "Olivia?" Rafe's muffled voice, sounding a little intimidated at the thought of waking her up. Her stomach shook with a chuckle. "Are you up?" She gave her eyes a last swipe of her hand, hoping she didn't look as bad as she felt and walked over to the door. As she opened it, Rafe took a quick step back, looking for all the world like he expected her to throw something at him.   
  
"Don't worry, Rafe. I won't bite your head off. At least, I won't as long as you don't stand between me and that coffee." His shoulders dropped as he released the tension, motioning with a hand to let her past. She smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder as she walked past him and down the stairs. Following the delicious scent of coffee and...mmm, breakfast...Olivia picked up her pace at the thought of both.  
  
Olivia walked into the kitchen, closely followed by Rafe, to see her daughter already at the table. "Hi Mommy!" Emma smiled brightly at her, and Olivia was overcome at the beautiful sight of happiness on her daughter's face. It took a second for Olivia to notice the place settings at the table. Four sets of silverware, four napkins, and four plates loaded with food, looking for all the world like a table set for a family. It was then that she noticed her favorite coffee mug sitting at her favorite spot. The emotions sitting so close to the surface welled up in Olivia, tears threatening for the second time this morning. She started as she felt Natalia's hand on her elbow.   
  
"Sit down and I'll get your coffee." Olivia opened her mouth to say thank you, but her words caught in her throat, her mouth dropping open only to close quickly. She sat down without a word, as Natalia picked up her cup and filled it with coffee. Crossing the kitchen, Natalia sat the cup down with a warm smile and stood patiently waiting for Olivia to take a sip. Olivia looked down into the dark, steaming liquid, hesitating for only a moment as she remembered her waking thoughts. Taking it in her hands, feeling the warmth under her palms, she took that first energizing taste and sighed with pleasure. Natalia watched Olivia's part in their morning ritual, her brown eyes faraway and unreadable for only a moment. She reached up as if to touch Olivia's shoulder, stopping midway before pulling her hand back to rub the back of her own neck. Shaking her head slightly, she pulled out a chair and sat down at the table.   
  
"Good morning, sleepyhead. If you had hit the snooze button one more time I was ready to break that clock for good this time."  
  
"I'm sure you won't miss mornings with me," Olivia said quietly into her coffee cup. She hid her eyes behind her mug as Rafe and Emma dug into breakfast. Natalia sat for just a moment, staring at the food on her plate. Olivia glanced over at her, catching only a glimpse of the emotions fleetingly playing across Natalia's face before the walls came up and Natalia snapped back into caretaker mode.   
  
"Emma, did you remember to put your book report in your backpack?" Emma nodded vigorously at Natalia.   
  
"Yep." She took a drink of her milk before throwing a pleading glance back at Natalia. "Are you gonna give me cookies with my lunch today, Natalia?" The dark-haired woman looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, as Emma flashed her most charming little-girl smile.   
  
Natalia shook her head in defeat, sending a look Olivia's way. Olivia shrugged. "Don't look at me, I'm out of this one. Your call."  
  
Natalia turned back to Emma. "You are so your mother's daughter." She rolled her eyes and nodded in surrender. "Yes, you can have cookies today. Just make sure to eat your fruit as well, okay?" Emma smiled, victorious, then stifled her obvious glee to give Natalia a solemn nod.   
  
"I promise."   
  
Emma turned back to her food as the room fell silent except for the clatter of silverware.  
  
After a few minutes of happily gorging on her omelet, Olivia checked her watch. "Jellybean, are you about ready for the bus? I think it's about that time!" Emma smiled through a mouthful of hash browns.  
  
"Yup!" Emma finished off the golden potatoes, jumping out of her seat and grabbing her small, pink backpack. Olivia glanced up to see the same look of warmth and pride on Natalia's face as she was sure shone on her own. Her chest swelled with admiration and love, and she sat silently for a moment. She was brought back to reality by Natalia's soft touch on her shoulder.  
  
"I'll see Emma to the bus stop, and then I am taking Rafe to work at City Hall. Are you going to be at the Beacon later?" Olivia shook her head and patted her stomach.   
  
"I am so full I don't think I can move. I was just going to stay here and work on the Indianapolis proposal." She looked up at Rafe with a wink. "The joy of being the boss."   
  
"Well, after I drop Rafe off I am going to pick up dry cleaning and stop by the Beacon for the staff meeting, but if you need me, just call the cell." Natalia stood, grabbing her coat and turning to leave, but stopped when she felt Olivia touch her arm softly.   
  
"Actually, whenever you're done, I could use some help with this press release if you have time." She knew she didn't really need any help with the press release, but she didn't want to admit, even to herself, her reasons for asking either.   
  
There. That smile. Those dimples.   
  
 _The joy of being the boss._  
  
Olivia looked down at her coffee cup to hide the blush rising to her face.   
  
"No problem. Call me if you need me to grab anything on the way home, OK?"   
  
"'K," Olivia said weakly, embarrassed by her reaction and frowning at finding her coffee cup empty. Before she had time to move to fill it, Natalia reached down and took the cup, her fingers grazing Olivia's as she did. The older woman's pulse raced as Natalia turned to fill the cup from the carafe. Olivia cleared her throat and looked up, only to find Rafe looking at her with a glint in his eye. She leveled her most intimidating gaze at him, only to be met with a wide smile and a shake of his head.   
  
Natalia sat the full cup down in front of Olivia, breaking her stare. "Rafe, you ready?"   
  
"Let's do this!" He jumped up and turned to Emma. "Let's get you to the bus, OK?" Emma looked up with adoration as Rafe helped her put one arm in her coat, and then the other.   
  
"Where's your hat, young lady?" Rafe looked around exaggeratedly for her hat, as Emma looking at him knowingly. He picked up her lunchbox to look under it. "Is it under here?" She giggled. Rafe lifted up her arms to look in her coat pocket. "Is it in here?" Emma rolled her eyes. More giggles.  
  
"It's in your hand, silly!" Emma laughed with delight as Rafe looked at the hat in his hand with wide-eyed mock surprise. The little-girl collapsed into another fit of giggling as she took Rafe's hand. "I'm glad you're here, Rafe." The young man's chest puffed out in big-brother pride as he squeezed her hand and handed Emma her backpack.  
  
"Me too, Emma."  
  
Olivia observed the back and forth between them, caught between a sense of home and a sense of dread at the looming possibility of giving it up, before she cast a sideways glance at Natalia. An enigmatic smile on her face, Natalia felt her stare and turned to meet her eyes. Olivia turned fully toward Natalia's gaze, something intangible and electric arcing between them, neither able to pull their eyes away. Olivia realized she could stay there, locked in those brown eyes all day, and may well have, if not for having the moment brought to a screeching halt by Emma's next words.  
  
"So I guess you have two mommies now, too, right Rafe?"   
  
Rafe looked up, glancing first at Natalia, then Olivia with a conspiratorial smile. "I guess so." He spoke quietly, turning toward the door, as he picked up Emma's lunchbox. "C'mon, before you miss the bus."  
  
Natalia stood frozen to the spot, still staring toward the door. She slowly turned to Olivia. "I..." Looking at the spot Rafe had just left, then back to Olivia, she opened her mouth to speak, closing it again quickly. Regaining her composure, she grabbed her coat and moved toward the door. "I should go."   
  
Walking through the doorway, Natalia turned to close the door behind her, stopping as she caught Olivia's eyes once more. Then she dropped her head, and quickly pulled the door shut behind her, leaving Olivia alone with nothing but her roiling thoughts to keep her company. 


	7. Chapter 7

Natalia tried hard to concentrate on the road in front of her; to be mesmerized by the lines in the road, as if that could erase the confusion and the ever present flip flopping of her stomach. Her fingers tingled as they gripped the steering wheel and her skin was still buzzing after the unspoken exchange between her and Olivia in the kitchen, and part of her was tempted to just revel in the overwhelming feeling of it all. That part of her was currently warring with the part that was aware that Rafe had become quite a perceptive young man, filling her with as much consternation as pride. His easy acceptance of Emma's comment about "two mommies" somewhat calmed her fears, but his pointed glance at Olivia in the same moment filled her with confusion and dread and...curiosity.  
  
 _What the hell have they been talking about?_  
  
She glanced up, frowning as she chastised herself mentally for cursing.  
 _  
Oops. Sorry. Although I guess that's not the worst of my sins right now, huh?_  
  
And before she could stop her thoughts, there it was. Olivia's voice, like the devil on her shoulder.  
 _  
Party of two? Here we come._    
  
She almost giggled aloud at the memory.  
  
Natalia glanced over at Rafe, suddenly feeling open and all too easy to read. She let out a relieved breath, realizing that he was caught up in his own thoughts as he sat with a contented smile, staring out the window at the passing scenery. Her son who was becoming a man, enduring so much pain in the process. An overwhelming sense of protectiveness and sorrow stole over her, bringing a frown to her face, as Rafe caught her eye and turned in his seat to face her.  
  
"You look so sad, Ma. What?"  
  
Natalia turned toward the road, hoping to hide the tears shining in her eyes. "I just...I wish we had more time." She took one hand off the wheel, swiping at her eyes. "This feels like it could all be so...normal. But it's not, because in a few days, you have to go back. Back to that place."  
  
The young man put a hand on his mother's shoulder. "I know. It kinda sucks to have to go back, but three days out here, with you, it's worth it." Brown eyes looked back at him, sadness not entirely quelled, but pride sliding from beneath the shadows. "Now don't go getting all choked up or you won't be able to see the road."   
  
Natalia sniffed and eyed him with a sideways glance, his knowing smile triggering one of her own.  
  
Rafe puffed out his chest, adopting an air of self-importance. "Besides, it will be a character-building experience that will endow me with new work skills enabling me to flourish in the outside world after my unfortunate incarceration," he said mockingly. "At least, that's what my case manager says."   
  
Natalia eyed her son with a serious look, attempting to stay in mothering mode. "Well he's right, you know. You can use these skills when you get into college." Rafe turned and threw a deadpan look at her, and Natalia's pretense collapsed into deep dimples and a fit of girlish giggles. The sight and sound of it filled the young man's heart; it had been far too long since he had heard her laugh so freely and so giddily. She tossed a wicked grin his way, reaching over to smooth the lapel of his simple black suit jacket. "Plus I like you all dressed up. Orange jumpsuit is SO not your color."  
  
Rafe's thick eyebrows arched in amusement. "Now you're sounding like Olivia."  
  
Natalia stared at the road with an enigmatic grin. "Yeah, the sarcasm tends to rub off on you after a while." She shook her head in disbelief. "Who would have thought that we would ever be friends?"  
  
Rafe watched his mother's face intently as he spoke quietly. "Yeah, it is a bit weird, after everything..." He sighed with the weight of their history, and with the acknowledgment of how so much had changed in a year. "Stranger things have happened, I guess." He watched as Natalia's brow furrowed and she kept her attention focused on the road again.   
  
 _Stranger things? Like wanting to wake up in the arms of your best friend?_  
  
Natalia's mind clamped down on the thought, as she was shocked into silence by the romantic turn her mind had just taken.   
 _  
Rafe is sitting right there. Get a hold of yourself._  
  
The silence spread, encompassing the two of them, and for a few a minutes the only sound was the hum of the road beneath the car tires. It was Natalia who spoke first.  
  
"Frank...Frank asked me to marry him." Her voice was emotionless and even, but her jaw was clenched and her face was stormy.   
  
Rafe swallowed heavily. "What did you say?"  
  
Natalia glanced quickly at her son, immediately looking back out the front windshield. The corner of her mouth twitched. "I haven't answered him yet." She looked back at Rafe, his face unreadable. "I know...I...I should have an answer, shouldn't I? Frank has been so kind, done so much for us...for you."   
  
That caught Rafe's attention. "Ma, you know I like Frank, right? I mean, he's a good guy and all, but..." He scratched at his dress pants with his thumbnail, nervous about having this conversation, but knowing his mother needed him to be truthful. "You gotta live your life for you, OK?"  
  
Her dark hair shielded her face as her head dropped before answering. "I have to do what's best for you, for this family."   
  
Rafe felt emotion, heavy and hot, flood his gut. He knew how his mother was. He knew she would do anything for him, and had. He knew how hard she had struggled in Chicago, and how much she had to deal with once they had moved to Springfield. He knew that he had always been the most important thing in her life. He hadn't always acted like he appreciated it, and he had hour upon hour, week upon week to ruminate on that fact behind bars. At some point Rafe had fully realized the full weight of her sacrifice...for him. It had simultaneously shamed him for taking it for granted, and filled him with such love and gratitude he could hardly speak. It had also made him incredibly sad, knowing how much of her own life his mother had pushed aside for him; how much her happiness had been secondary to his. As much as he hated being locked away, he knew that it had taught him something very important, and he wasn't going to squander that lesson.   
  
"And what about Olivia?" Natalia shot him a look, equal parts sadness and alarm. "What about Emma? I know I haven't been back for very long, but what I have seen in the last day seems an awful lot like...family." Natalia searched his eyes, expecting...well, she didn't know what she was expecting. What she found was nothing but sincerity.  
  
"They are my family, too." Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to find more words, but could do nothing but leave her last thought hanging heavy in the air between them.  
  
Her son tilted his head at her curiously. "What happens to them if you marry Frank, Ma? Do you think they are gonna stay there?"   
  
Natalia stuttered, then fell into silence. When she finally spoke, it was quiet and halting. "I...I hadn't...I just hadn't really thought about them leaving. I can't really imagine the house without them." The movie screen of her mind replayed mornings spent planning the day with Olivia while getting Emma ready for school, amidst chaos, coffee and conversation and the thought of not having that...it...  
  
 _It hurts._  
  
Natalia pulled the car to a stop as Rafe realized they had reached City Hall. She pulled the emergency brake a little too hard, and turned the ignition key off. "We're here," she said in the tiniest voice.   
  
Rafe watched his mother's face intently, worrying that he was pushing too hard, but knowing it was necessary. He knew she would sacrifice everything for him at the expense of herself, and this time he wasn't going to sit back and be a quiet spectator in her emotional demise. When he spoke, his tone was low and gentle, so as not to spook her into retreating from a conversation that had to happen.   
  
"Ma, I know you probably think it's none of my business, but it's important to me that you are happy." She gave him a quick, shy smile, but said nothing. He swallowed, steeled himself for her reaction, and barreled ahead. "The fact that you haven't given Frank an answer is a clue that you have a lot to think about, I know. And I don't mean to add more fuel to the fire, but..." He noticed Natalia holding her breath. "Look, I have made a lot of dumb choices in my life. I might have done them for what I thought were the right reasons, but in the end, all I did was hurt myself...hurt you...in the process. I thought I was being...I dunno...noble or something." He turned toward his mother, conviction showing in his young eyes. "What it really was, was me being afraid."  
  
Rafe took his mother's hand in his own and thought carefully before choosing his next words. "I have had so much time to think in the last few months, and what I have realized is that we make so many of our choices in life based on fear, when we should choose happiness...and love." He felt Natalia's hand begin to shake, and he squeezed it gently, giving her as much strength as he could before he asked her the question he knew was the scariest for her to contemplate. "What makes you happy, Ma?"  
  
Natalia tried so hard to keep the thoughts from flooding her mind, but looking into the kind eyes of her cherished son, her walls came down and the memories broke through her resolve.  
  
 _Olivia's hands wrapped around her own as they both swelled with pride watching Emma give her presentation...  
  
Cooking and dancing in the kitchen, as Olivia smiled and danced along with Emma...  
  
Teasing Olivia about her pathological avoidance of laundry...  
  
Opening the most amazingly thoughtful Christmas present ever from Olivia...  
  
Chaperoning Emma's class and sitting on the bench outside of Company eating ice cream with Olivia...  
  
Hot chocolate on the porch, talking quietly in the cold for hours with Olivia...  
  
Hustling Jeffrey and Josh at pool, while Olivia watched her with a look of pride...  
  
Olivia's hands on her face, and those lips on her own...even if it was to make a point.  
  
Always Olivia...  
  
Always...  
_  
Her thoughts were interrupted by the click of Rafe's seat-belt and the soft whirr as it zipped back into place. She realized she had been holding her breath and exhaled softly as she looked up to see her son's gentle eyes beaming at her with understanding and compassion. He leaned over and kissed her forehead, before pulling back to speak once more.  
  
"Seems like you already know what makes you happy. Now you just have to figure out what doesn't."  
  
Before she could gather her wits to respond, he was out of the car and walking up the stairs of City Hall. She watched him walk through the doors, and then sat there, thoughts buzzing, until she finally turned the ignition key. In a thoughtful daze she pulled away from the building, and was almost to her destination before she realized she had forgotten the dry cleaning and the staff meeting at the Beacon and was heading to the only place that made any sense.   
  
 _Home._


End file.
